;jbdsjkv bws

sorry, i haven't been on these past couple of days. so i went to my dads house and it went terrible i tried to go on a fast but it didn't work even though my dad literally had nothing there for me to binge on i still found something. Anyways today im doing good(: so we'll see how it goes blah senior year is coming up and im still at least 20lbs from where i want to be fml.

Elliott Smith

is a great fucking musician anyways today i fucked up, like always. woke up got on the scale 135 lbs. fuck my life right? im only 5'3 i'm not supposed to be a bloody whale. My mom bought some lemons my favorite non guilty food(: so tmw im starting my fucking diet im done with this bullshit of b/p any tips on how to get out of this fucking cycle? here's a picture of elliott smith. btw little fact he stabed himslef in the heart with a butter knife.As sad as this may sound i can respect him for that.

Help

so i forgot to introduce myself. anyways here i am.
Magdalena Angel ( just call me anela)
age:16 (birthday soon!)
cw:133lbs
hw:170lbs
lw:110lbs
ugw:105
anyways ive always felt imperfect, ive always felt like a disapoinment, but i started making a change well... mmmfirst time ive thrown up was like 11 but it became a habbit like in 9th grade and than i meet ana, wich got me the resluts i fucking needed. now im slowly gaining back all this fucking fat. But like others have said only i can change my body. oh i play music, draw, read/make my own comics. i like to think my self as somewhat of an artist but thats nothing special nowadays.

Friday night disgust.

I guess I must start off with the plain simple truth. I HATE WHO I'VE BECOME, there's no other way around it. I can't get out of the b/p cycle my weight is HUGE, I look bloated, disgusting and fat. On my Friday night I stayed at home, so i could b/p on my own my boyfriend played a show tonight and i made up an excuse on why i couldnt go. I've relized I'm a pathetic loser. Anyways ive been spitting up black in my phlem, im not exactly sure where it's coming from but oh well. Anyways I've been a total bitch to everyone, but i don't think they relize its my sad, cry fro help. My throat is harsh from screaming without sound. I'm tired of them( my fucked up excuse for a family) casting their judgement they say I'm the one whoes sick, I'm the one who needs help? HA! i learned all my tricks from them. I learned how to pick up the blade from my mother, i learnd how to throw up from my perfect skinny sister and i learned my disgusting complusive eating habbits form my drunken father, My therapist told me to have sympathy for them, but I don't have any more sympathy for anyone I have enough anger to go around anyone wants seconds? just shout.
I am not skinny, i look in the mirror and see a destroyed, damage, thing. a FAT, lazy, loser. I need help, i miss my therpy! i miss the hospital, but no one wants to take me there anymore. I don't think anyone relizes how crazy, fucked up, and hopeless I really am.

Survey

I AM...
[x] anorexic
[x ] ednos
[ x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic(love/hate relationship)
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[x] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes(most of the time)
[x] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[x ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ x] I wear contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ x] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[] I have freckles

FAMILY...
[] I've sworn at my parents
[x] I've run away from home
[ x] I've been kicked out of the house
[ ] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[x] Disney movies still make me cry (NOT EMBARRASING)
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[x ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[ x] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x ] I've had a crush on a teacher
[] I am a cuddler
[] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[ x] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[x] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry(and stay that way)
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[] I've taken diet pills
[ ] I've used laxatives
[ x] I've purged
[x ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[ ] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion (come extremly close a few times)

I'VE DONE...
[x ] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[ x] Ecstasy
[ x] LSD
[ x] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ x] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret (sometimes)
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes(ALL THE TIME)
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself



boredum.

He's not perfect,

He's my hero. I've forgotten the girl I used to be. today i steped onto the scle 133 lbs, i hate my life yes i lost 2 lbs but its no where near good enough. 30 lbs and ill be perfect. okay so i guess i should jsut go onto a rant. i mean what else is there to say? okay well for starterstwo days ago was the first day i didnt b/p like at all, and i ate like fucking cow. you want to know my sins? well here they are
4 slices of cheese pizza
3 sodas(170 cal s each)
2 oreos
3 servings of choclate pudding(100 cals each)
see whenever i begin to eat i jsut cant stop myself i know i should be full but i seriously jsut can't stop myself when i start, so the only way i can is by not eating or purging.
anyways i woke up reaally late today and relized i was home lone first thing i do? oh go and binge of course b.c purging is so much easier when im alone and thats what i did. Anyone knows whats even more gross? is that my bf doesnt care he just sits on the phone and just doesnt say antyhing, im not sure if thats good or bad. oh so im in this new band im excited for it, they want me to share some songs with them but all of them are about my e.d or about my depression, and we are like this fun indiefolkish type of band so i dont think thatd really work...
oh well oh and my uncle is moving back in! great..(sarcasm) lets just say he's the reason why my whole e.d and self hate started.
i guess we'll jsut see how this goes, i really stoped cring along time ago so im not too worried.

Shame,

guilt, and hate. These emotions are the only ones who seem to accompy me these days with my never ending cycle of binging purging,bining,purging, and self hate. its watse i simply want to be thin and happy, and confident in myself. everything else honestly doesnt matter to me. i just want to be OKAY, is that so hard to achive not even happy just content with myself and the life im in. Today i relized how sick ive gotten, i would rather sit at home and b/p and cut than go out with friends id rther sit at home with my own hate than go and enjoy this wierd summer weather. i need to rant i know no ones reading this, but soemtimes its fun to pretend ppl are reading this and understanding. well i know im going ot be doing this alot more. i need something distract me from the guilt. and my nasty obession with food.